Fifty Shades of Gay

Chapter One Summary of Sorts.

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 19:09:35 -0500

Where to even start.

Stacy and Christian have been broken up for three days which becomes five days and Stacy complains about it incessantly. It’s really unflattering. She’s working for a man named Mr. Hyde (Dr. Jekyll is presumably unavailable) who is creepy and flirtatious at the work place as every good first real boss should be. Stacy doesn’t have a car and has her phone on “divert” which is apparently some secret switch that exists on cell phones to forward calls to another device. Really, Ms. James, just talk to one person who is in their 20s if you insist on writing this book, just one. José’s gallery is finally upon us after it was first mentioned literally 200 pages ago and Stacy has no way of getting there. Fortunately Christian has sent her 24 white roses and emails her offering to drive her to Portland. She, like the little lamb she is, agrees to sit in a car with her ex for an hour and a half.

Have no fear, though, Christian instead flies them there in our old friend Charlie Tango which is just as funny as the first time. Icarus is mentioned half a dozen times. In the car, an argument begins but remains unresolved and in the gallery, people recognize Stacy but she doesn’t know how. Everyone playing at home does, but not her. They discover seven portraits of her and people are all kinds of amazed to see the subject there and Christian, in a completely non-creepy fashion pays for all seven portraits and then tells her that it is time to leave.

Despite the fact that they are broken up and he has absolutely no control nor influence over her life, she concedes. What a really great step forward on your path to self-fulfillment. Stacy goes out of her way to flirt with José to make Christian jealous which is not a shitty thing to do to your self-aclaimed best friend who is clearly in love with you. Christian is mad, Stacy is mad, I’m mad, and Sweet Brown is mad and ain’t got time for any of this. Christian shoves Stacy in an alley and they make out which is also not creepy at all.

“He looks quickly up and down the street and heads left and suddenly sweeps me into a side...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:59:29 -0500

“He looks quickly up and down the street and heads left and suddenly sweeps me into a side alley…”

What a great opportunity to use the rape whistle you don’t have.

“‘He’s never hit me,’ I spit at him.” Stacy goes for the jugular and...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:56:52 -0500

“‘He’s never hit me,’ I spit at him.”

Stacy goes for the jugular and is wildly successful.

“We have issues.” You have more issues than every magazine ever combined.

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:55:29 -0500

“We have issues.”

You have more issues than every magazine ever combined.

“‘I bought them all, Anastasia.’” This would definitely be the winning point...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:54:05 -0500

“‘I bought them all, Anastasia.’”

This would definitely be the winning point in a rousing game of Creepiest Ex.

“Hanging on the far wall are seven huge portraits - of me.” Hands up if you’re...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:52:21 -0500

“Hanging on the far wall are seven huge portraits - of me.”

Hands up if you’re surprised.

If your hands up, get out.

“‘That’s why Kate thought you were gay.’” That, and the chunky knit...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:51:13 -0500

“‘That’s why Kate thought you were gay.’”

That, and the chunky knit cream sweater you wore. Don’t think that’s been forgotten.

“‘Dios mio, have you lost weight?’” Thanks for the gentle reminder that José...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:48:55 -0500

“‘Dios mio, have you lost weight?’”

Thanks for the gentle reminder that José is Hispanic.

“You’re still fifty shades.” That is unquestionably clear.

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:46:32 -0500

“You’re still fifty shades.”

That is unquestionably clear.

“‘José is just a friend,’ I murmur.” You’re an awful ex, you’re...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:45:15 -0500

“‘José is just a friend,’ I murmur.”

You’re an awful ex, you’re supposed to try to win the breakup.

“‘I don’t want you falling and breaking your neck.’” So that’s...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:44:01 -0500

“‘I don’t want you falling and breaking your neck.’”

So that’s just me then?

“Abruptly the doors open, breaking the spell…”

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:39:59 -0500

“Abruptly the doors open, breaking the spell…”

“Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin.”

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:38:08 -0500

“Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin.”

“I apply some mascara and eyeliner and pinch my cheeks, hoping to bring some color their...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:32:54 -0500

“I apply some mascara and eyeliner and pinch my cheeks, hoping to bring some color their way.”

Yes, you want to look your healthiest for when the SS guards give you the onceover.

“Jeez, I wish I knew how to use makeup.” I’m sure everyone arounds you feels...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:30:47 -0500

“Jeez, I wish I knew how to use makeup.”

I’m sure everyone arounds you feels similarly.

“Drinks with the boss, is that a good idea?” Do you want to make more money at half the...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:30:09 -0500

“Drinks with the boss, is that a good idea?”

Do you want to make more money at half the dignity?

“‘Maybe tomorrow you’d like to come for a drink after work.’” Wow,...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:29:31 -0500

“‘Maybe tomorrow you’d like to come for a drink after work.’”

Wow, your boss is hitting on you in the first week?

It took my old boss four months to get around to that.

“His birth mom, the crack whore?” Ah, yes, it all comes back now.

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:28:01 -0500

“His birth mom, the crack whore?”

Ah, yes, it all comes back now.

“…the masochist in me wants to see Christian.” Oh, good, he’ll be pleased to...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:26:30 -0500

“…the masochist in me wants to see Christian.”

Oh, good, he’ll be pleased to hear that.

“I am in purgatory. Anastasia Steele, you are at work!” I’m not seeing the...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 18:25:57 -0500

“I am in purgatory. Anastasia Steele, you are at work!”

I’m not seeing the difference.