Fifty Shades of Gay

I’m back for the summer and Fifty Shades Darker is going to be something I do.

Where to even start.

Stacy and Christian have been broken up for three days which becomes five days and Stacy complains about it incessantly. It’s really unflattering. She’s working for a man named Mr. Hyde (Dr. Jekyll is presumably unavailable) who is creepy and flirtatious at the work place as every good first real boss should be. Stacy doesn’t have a car and has her phone on “divert” which is apparently some secret switch that exists on cell phones to forward calls to another device. Really, Ms. James, just talk to one person who is in their 20s if you insist on writing this book, just one. José’s gallery is finally upon us after it was first mentioned literally 200 pages ago and Stacy has no way of getting there. Fortunately Christian has sent her 24 white roses and emails her offering to drive her to Portland. She, like the little lamb she is, agrees to sit in a car with her ex for an hour and a half.

Have no fear, though, Christian instead flies them there in our old friend Charlie Tango which is just as funny as the first time. Icarus is mentioned half a dozen times. In the car, an argument begins but remains unresolved and in the gallery, people recognize Stacy but she doesn’t know how. Everyone playing at home does, but not her. They discover seven portraits of her and people are all kinds of amazed to see the subject there and Christian, in a completely non-creepy fashion pays for all seven portraits and then tells her that it is time to leave.

Despite the fact that they are broken up and he has absolutely no control nor influence over her life, she concedes. What a really great step forward on your path to self-fulfillment. Stacy goes out of her way to flirt with José to make Christian jealous which is not a shitty thing to do to your self-aclaimed best friend who is clearly in love with you. Christian is mad, Stacy is mad, I’m mad, and Sweet Brown is mad and ain’t got time for any of this. Christian shoves Stacy in an alley and they make out which is also not creepy at all.

“He looks quickly up and down the street and heads left and suddenly sweeps me into a side alley…”

What a great opportunity to use the rape whistle you don’t have.

“‘He’s never hit me,’ I spit at him.”

Stacy goes for the jugular and is wildly successful.

“We have issues.”

You have more issues than every magazine ever combined.

“‘I bought them all, Anastasia.’”

This would definitely be the winning point in a rousing game of Creepiest Ex.

“Hanging on the far wall are seven huge portraits - of me.”

Hands up if you’re surprised.

If your hands up, get out.

“‘That’s why Kate thought you were gay.’”

That, and the chunky knit cream sweater you wore. Don’t think that’s been forgotten.

“‘Dios mio, have you lost weight?’”

Thanks for the gentle reminder that José is Hispanic.

“You’re still fifty shades.”

That is unquestionably clear.